So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some dear friends of mine – and I hope they still are after reading this – but please indulge me in a rare public bitchy moment.
I frikkin’ HATE those status updates. They shouldn’t, but they make me feel like SUCH a loser mom – I rarely, if ever have my shit together like that. For one thing, it’s usually 10:47 p.m. when I read them, and the kids are all still awake and I’m about to go grocery shopping (sometimes at the gas station “convenience” store) for the first time in 10 days so they don’t eat uncooked ramen noodles for lunch on their first day of school.
Not this year. It’s payback time, beyotches. This year, I AM THAT MOM. Last night the youngest was in bed by 10 p.m. (unshowered, but hey – you can’t have everything,) grocery shopping was done (4 days earlier,) and I was in my pjs (unshowered, but hey – you can’t have everything,) – do you hear me??? I made banana bread* batter (the only bakery item I know how to make from scratch,) stuck it in the fridge, and woke up at 5:30 a.m. to get it into the oven. Let me tell you, by 7 a.m., that sucker was PERFECTION. I had it buttered and lovingly arranged on a Bounty paper towel for my eldest to have on her way to school. Right next to her bottled Starbucks frappacino. Then, after some Marx Brothers-like confusion and car-jockeying because we hadn’t figured out yet which one of us was going to drive her to school, she was off for the first day of school.
Never mind that my eldest is almost 17, and I’ve been on Facebook for five years now, and that I am only NOW boasting about something of this nature. But I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!! SUCK IT, LOSERS!!!!
(Cue thunder and maniacal laughter)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
*********
*A little bonus story: I’ve been making this for years – got the recipe from Dave’s mother. When we were married for less than a year, I did something similar – waking up early to get the banana bread in the oven for him to bring to some office potluck. Then I showered and attempted to wake him up. He was immovable. So, I stood next to the bed and said, “Hey, Dave. There’s a naked woman in front of you and a banana bread in the oven.” He raised his head up, lifted an eyebrow and said, “Banana bread?”
I assume that at least half of the people posting things are like are making it up. After they post their status about how great everything is, they’re going to go try to wrestle kids into the shower for a moment so that they can look like they’re bathed for school. Then they’re going to slap together a lunch.
I’m sure you’re right! 🙂
I’m sure my wife would join me in a chorus of “go fuck yourself” for being so on top of it and holy crap, you have a 17 year old?
No! No! I’m not the bad guy here! I’m NEVER on top of it! In fact, I did a victory dance because I remembers to trek the 9 YO to brush his teeth! (And yes – the oldest is 17 next month. I had her when I was 8.)
You overachieving slut you!
Well, we suck at being ready for stuff and ours are only in 5th and preschool respectively along with one still yet to come. I actively defy the preschool’s requirements though because I believe they just send all the forms to all the families with no consideration as to age. Plus I hate them.
lolol! Actually, in my LinkedIn profile, I describe myself as an “overachieving slut!” How did you know?
Ha! Well, I’ve always been pretty receptive I guess. Either that or I stalk you when I’m not conscious maybe?
I love this post…LOVE IT!
Isn’t it funny how the posts I write in 8 minutes are the most popular?
So, for the record … My daughter started first grade this morning. I packed her lunch at about 10 last night. She did get a bath. I made cinnamon rolls from a tube for breakfast because she loves cinnamon rolls and I really didn’t feel like making from-scratch. I thought about pancakes, but … no.
I’m making her favorite dinner — spaghetti — tonight. But spaghetti is easy. I think that every child should pick something easy as a favorite meal.
That last statement? I couldn’t agree more!!! Happy first day of school to your girl!
Where is the recipe? Seriously, I usually prepare her lunch in the am with two minutes before we leave. I can’t do those pinterest crafts-can barely glue two popsicle sticks together. Thanks for keeping it real. Love the maniacal laughter.
Estelle
I think maniacal laughter is a side effect of parenting no one ever tells us about. 🙂 And you really want the recipe that will make you second fiddle to banana bread???
I want the recipe too! As soon as I read your post I thought about turning on the oven…and it is almost 90 degrees outside.
My daughter is 10 and makes her own lunch..does that make me a bad mom?? lol
No, you are NOT a bad mom! You’re a better mom than I am! I didn’t make them start making their own lunches until middle school! 😀 Will post the recipe soon…