He tweets foreign policy. He takes counsel from Nazis. He places his wispy, barely-pubescent son-in-law in charge of the Middle East. He lays waste to our entire state department. He fills federal judgeships with Heritage Foundation racist, sexist, Jesus-loving “lawyers” who barely pass the bar exam and have way too many years ahead of them in this lifetime position on the bench. He destroys our environment, strips healthcare from millions with glee, dances a jig on the grave of every Obama regulation he kills, and please don’t forget the destruction of civil rights regulations under the razor-sharp intellect and arrow-straight moral spine of Betsy DeVos.
Now, these things may sound depressing, and I agree that they are. But if you thought visions of Trump grabbing women by the pussy with one hand whilst eating a Big Mac with the other and his big toe on the nuclear “button” he has on his desk that “works” was scary, I have bad news.
There is something worse. Much, much worse.
I’ve always been a believer in not shielding those I love from pain they have no hope of avoiding. Rather, I try to prepare them and assure them I will be there for them when they come through it on the other side. And that is what I pledge to do for you, dear friends. I promise. I’ll be waiting for you on the other side of this…the worst, shameful, humiliating, most toxic by-product of the Trump presidency yet by far…
I give you…
TRUMPY BEAR.
Are you wondering what fresh hell this is now? It’s okay, my friends, it’s okay. We ALL wonder that EVERY DAY. But this…this is, well, it may feel like a new low. It may only seem like a sad commentary on our society when grown white women tenderly brush the “trademark hair” of Trumpy Bear and place him in his favorite chair and kneel before him to blow his tiny Trumpy…well, you know.
I’m sorry, did I get too vulgar? I’m sure I wasn’t reading anything at all into the script of this heart-swelling, pride-inducing AMERICAN GODDAMN SPIRIT IS UNDEFEATABLE AND MY PENIS IS HUGE tenor of this commercial which states in a very Barry White-esque voice…
I COME
when the trumpet sounds.
FIND THE SECRET ZIPPER
and
PULL OUT
the flag-themed blanket
WRAP YOURSELF
Oh, wait. That’s more of a condom reference. Trumpy Bear is would never use a condom. After all… he is
FEARLESS!
And lest we forget, or worry,
TRUMPY BEAR CAN POP UP ANYWHERE!
We’ve hit the motherlode, here, I do believe. Struck gold. Who in their right-wing mind WOULDN’T want that bear attached to their flag-pole on “Trumpian Flag Day?” I mean, let’s ignore that it actually looks like he is HUMPING the flagpole.
And speaking of humping, can someone please explain to the “former marine” that it’s nice he is proud to have “his brother…Trumpy Bear ride by [his] side,” but Trumpy Bear is actually positioned in front of “Once-A-Marine-Always-A-Marine” on the motorcycle, there?
But, wait! That’s not all! As if Trumpy Bear doesn’t do enough to Make America Fellate Again, he comes with a
SPECIAL CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY
people!!!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?
Trumpy Bear Loving Marine on a Motorcycle: Because I was going 40 miles over the speed limit?
Officer: Well, you were, but that’s not why.
TBLMOAM: Because I have 7 fully loaded automatic machine guns hanging from my belt?
Officer: I see you do, but no, that’s not why.
TBLMOAM: I’m not wearing a helmet?
Officer: Well, that troubled me – safety first, and it IS the law…but I can let you off with a warning…
TBLMOAM: I give up, Officer – why did you pull me over?
Officer: It’s Trumpy Bear. I’m gonna need to see his Special Certificate of Authenticity.
TBLMOAM: Oh, well, why didn’t you say so, Officer? I never go anywhere without Trumpy Bear OR his Special Certificate of Authenticity! Lemme just find the SECRET ZIPPER and PULL it OUT for ya…
(hands paperwork to officer with great ceremony and care)
Officer: Well, everything looks in order. You take good care of Trumpy Bear. And that certificate, ya hear, now?
TBLMOAM: Will do, Officer. Blood and Soil!
Officer: Sieg Heil!
We’re doomed. Starting to think that nuclear holocaust is looking like not such a bad option for humanity, amirite?
Or, maybe we can stop electing people via film canister draws, vote for women, and let Black people lead. But what the hell do I know?
Perhaps you could buy the Trump toilet paper from some other low class retailer. I’ll just snuggle up with a snuff book and my stuffed bear here and revel in my hatred of people who have darker skin or male genitalia since that’s what over half of the college educated women voters all do.